LOSING YOUR INCOME, TRUSTING YOUR GUT INSTINCT AND STEPPING OUTSIDE OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE BUT KNOWING THAT IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK
I remembered recently that I hadn't written a personal post in quite a while. Probably since around the time that I made my big announcement to the world that I was going freelance after being in a full time job for over 2 years. Wow, that stirred up some shit. I don't think you guys have any idea of the kind of backlash I got from writing that blog post! Since then I've lived through some pretty big decisions that have scared the shit out of me at times. Having your financial stability rocked and at times even turned upside down can seriously turn you into the woman you need to be in order to succeed. But it ain't pretty.
First I scored the perfect client. But after a pretty weird incident where I got shouted down the phone at, at which point I cried and then apologised (please just take my advice and never apologise if you know you're right) I started to get some gut twinges that it wasn't gonna work out. I was being tested to choose my own brand over working for someone else and I'm sure you can guess how that ended. So after being 'let go' from my full time job, then scoring a great freelance client and then losing them too, I was out on a limb with no source of income.
Luckily I had some amazing contacts who started to hire me for freelance blog writing and digital marketing. All was going well for a few months until I had to make some rather unpleasant decisions. Big decisions about my future and the clients I was working with.
I chose to let go of 50% of my income because it was right for my business. And my god, it panicked me, but it had to be done. There are times where you feel like despite all of the logic and reasoning to something there is a force around you or inside of you that just lets you know that it is the right thing to do. At this point, I was following it, finally, after years of ignorance. She guided me well.
I had no idea how I was going to make that 50% back, and trust me, without it we wouldn't have paid the bills or the mortgage. Somehow I did it though. And I wish I could share with you how, but I can't even work it out. Little bits of work came through here and there, usually right when I was down to the wire. It's like the universe stepped in and said, 'it's ok, you get another pass'.
At this point, having been able to make that 50% back through interiors stuff I knew that I needed to try and lose all of my non interiors related income. If I'd done it once I could do it again, right? The big hairy goal was to make enough from blogging and designing that I wouldn't need to take on any extra freelance work. I wrote it into my business plans. I put it on my vision boards. I fantasised and visualised about the days where I would just be able to work on my own stuff without feeling like I was cheating someone else. I found it hard to get inspired to write for other people. My energy was telling the universe that I didn't want it anymore, as much as I tried to be grateful and just crack on with the work. I guess I'm one of those people where once I'm focused on something it's really hard to do the stuff that pays the bills. It's my gift and my curse. My other gift and curse is that I can turn my subconscious energy into real life situations without necessarily intending to. Yes it may sound all woo-woo and spiritual but I actually can make things happen. I've had it happen far too many times to ignore it, and now I feel like I've finally harnessed its power and I can manifest things in the right way. But anyway... that's another story and I don't want to scare anyone away who is thinking I'm a nutter right now so if anyone wants me to elaborate on that I can personally!
I bet you can guess what happens next right? I lost the last client. The universe heard me and answered me. Just a lot frickin' faster than i was ready for. So as of today, I officially have NO GUARANTEED INCOME.
Can we just have a moment there?!
I have no guaranteed income.
Wow, it's scary to even type that. Do you know what that feels like? If you've ever been there I know you do. You can be ok for moments and then it creeps back up on you, like remembering that you just broke up with your boyfriend or that someone you cared for passed. That wash of almost... grief. Grief for the security and worry about the future.
But that, today, is my situation.
And do you know what? I've learnt to be ok with it! I have to remind myself that it's never going to get that bad. The universe is made of billions of planets and stars and we just inhabit one tiny space of it for a tiny finite amount of time. So really, it doesn't matter. But it sure doesn't feel that way when you're in it, does it?!
Luckily I'm the type of girl who can find an answer. Find the money to pay a bill. Find a way. It's really fucking scary to know that that is my responsibility. Sometimes I just want someone to take that pressure off. Sometimes I want to hide and bury my head in the sand and pretend that problem doesn't exist. But, I have to say, knowing I'm the type of woman that will find a way whatever the situation makes me feel good too. It's character building. I know that I have depths to me that not even the strongest of men can test. I gave birth on just 2 paracetamol because I was trained to be able to control my pain levels with hypnosis and meditation, so you get an idea of the kinda woman you're talking to here! This is real girl power.
*puts down own trumpet*
(sorry, but women don't talk about themselves being amazing enough. I'm happy to share my amazingness every now and then.)
Anyway. 3 months back I would have panicked. But nothing good ever comes out of panic. What comes out of panic is me deviating off purpose and picking up more freelance work where I will then subconsciously tell the universe that I don't want. Do you get what I am saying here? There is no point in picking up the work if in a few months I'm going to end up back in the same place. There is no point in trying to trick the universe into letting you go off of the path you're destined to take. It'll find a way to guide you right back.
The universe is telling me to GO FOR MY DREAMS.
You start to realise why only a select few people go on to become reeeeeeeaaaallly successful. The highest contributor for CERTAIN in the path to success is the ability to move yourself outside of your comfort zone over and over again. So all of the things I have been talking about, thinking about, but been able to put off because I didn't have to do them, all of those things outside of my comfort zone that make the dream happen. All of the things that I could fail at. I now have to actually do them.
- Going to networking events and having to ACTUALLY TALK TO HUMANS
- Pitching to clients WHO MAY THEN SAY THEY DON'T WANT ME
- Talking to people who make wayyyyyy more money than I do AND MIGHT THINK I'M A CHAV
- Getting my finger out and doing some in person workshops and classes WHAT IF NO-ONE BUYS A TICKET?!
I'm acknowledging the second voice. And then I am telling her to PIPE THE FUCK DOWN BECAUSE I GOT THIS SHIT, OK?!
And that friends, is how you start to build an empire.