downside of downtime

I actually cannot believe it's December. Tomorrow I go on a one day retreat which is all about reflecting on the past year and setting goals and intentions for 2015. Part of our pre-retreat homework was to go through our social media feeds, calendars, and in my case blog posts to see what happened each month, good or bad. I found my jaw dropping as some things that literally felt just weeks ago actually took place this time last year. Nuts. And as much as this year has been an absolute whirlwind of highs and lows, as I write this post I have a really unsettled feeling in my stomach.

At the moment I have this constant feeling of time literally galloping away from me. I'm so, so fortunate and beyond grateful to have all of these fabulous opportunities coming in, but sometimes I think my head is going to explode! 

Currently I work 3 days a week doing digital marketing and copywriting for various clients. That's my bread and butter income, so it's a must. I have my daughter at home for 2 days. Alongside that I'm also trying to cram in at least one evening a week studying my college diploma and every other spare moment is blogging or working behind the scenes on growing my blog and business, which I could literally work on 24 hours a day if I could. Or should I say, if I was alone and had no-one else to think of. Call me cheesy but relationships and the love I have for my family is and always will be my priority. So would I rather get into bed at the same time as my husband so that we can cuddle up and maintain a healthy relationship, or work into the early hours of the morning and crawl into bed while he sleeps, in order to create the success that we want for our family? Do you see the irony of this?! It seems like those of us who strive for 'success' in the career or business sense have two options. 

Maintain relationships, health and sanity now = slower route to success.

Strive away for the benefit of our family later down the line = faster route to success but risk the loss of the people that matter most in the process.

I guess it's all to do with your own priorities. 

Protecting my downtime has been a challenge. Sometimes I feel like I'm gasping for air and that there is never quite enough to take that deep breath that will satisfy. I do everything I can to not work on the weekend, but recently that's been a bit of a joke.

I don't think I've ever felt so much pressure.

I should rephrase - I don't think I've ever put so much pressure on myself. 

Yet I also don't think I've ever been as happy!

I think I'm writing this post as a bit of a round-about way of saying I'm really frustrated at the fact that I've only had one blog post up this week. I used to make it 3 a week religiously, recently that's gone down to 2-3 and then I realised this week I'd only done one!

What I'm wrestling with at the moment is this holistic new way of life that I've been living in the past few months, and the turbulent ups and down of being self employed, running a blog and trying to launch a business. Of course I could find more time if I stayed up later, got up earlier, put my daughter into childcare, but those things just don't fit with the lifestyle I want. 

I no longer believe in the 'can't stop won't stop' puff daddy mentality, or the #nosleepgang.

They may work for the single people with no dependents who can solely think about themselves, but that's not the life I chose or want.  I realised a few months ago that sleep, wellbeing, rest and relaxation play a huge part in how productive we are and how our bodies age. It's just not healthy to be that focused on work all of the time. Is our health something to sacrifice or risk for success? In my opinion, no.

I believe there's a balance to be had in being successful and having downtime. I really never used to be like that and I respect everyone's decision, whether it's work 23 hour days with one hour sleep just so you can 'get there faster' (thought I don't believe this to necessarily be true) or to take your own sweet time and enjoy the moment. It's all down to the individual and what they want. 

But that's what I'm fighting with at the moment. Resisting going back to my old workaholic ways and the new, the mindful me. Whilst still getting it all done.

First world problems hey! And what bloody fabulous problems to have. 

Gratitude always,

S x